Remembering

That you don't do nice things for people to get nice back, that you don't do good and expect good in return.  That is one of the hardest life lessons that there is.  And some times I forget.  I forget that you do good things for your kids so that they grow up to be good people, that you do nice things for your spouse, just because you love him.
Its hard to remember.  There are days that I give and give and give, and all I get are screaming children and angry husband.
Today I looked back at my life.  At all the dreams that I had.  All the choices that I made that ended me here.  And I was sad.  There were too many times that I let my anxieties get in the way of something that could have been great, or not.  Too many times that I decided to take the sure thing rather than bet on the long shot.  All the paths that I saw, but walked with the crowd.  And I was sad.
I realized that too much time has passed and I can't even begin to remake decisions and change my life.  Too much time that I have lost.  Because I wanted to make sure that everyone else followed their dreams, and had their chance to make sure that they were happy.
And it hurt.  Lots.  I cried, and was sad.
Then I remembered.  I made these choices out of love sometimes.  I want my boys to have their dreams.  Maybe I will just have to sit in the back seat and watch life pass me by, but my boys are living their dreams. And for anyone that should be enough.  I will get my chance to shine, just not right now.

New Year, New Anxieties.

I have a slight problem with anxiety.  Just a little, it's cause I tend to worry.  It heredity; I worry but so does my grandmother and my mom.  I know this and I try to work with it.  All the time, I try.
I worry about work, did I get everything done?  Will I meet all my deadlines (both work imposed and self imposed)?  Do I have what it takes?  And I know that I will get it done, on time, and I do have what it takes, but I use my anxiety to drive me to succeed and do the best that I can do.
I worry about my boys.  Am I a good parent?  Do I have enough patience? Am I teaching what they need to make it in the world?  Then I look at my boys and see two happy, lovely boys, one who is standing on the edge of adulthood and has shown that he can make mostly good decisions and one who is learning how to be independent.
I worry about my marriage.  He's gone so much, and I never know what will happen when he comes home.  He will be home for a visit in just a few weeks, and I so worry about how we will get along when he is home.  I've been independent and in charge of everything for the last 18 months, so it will be a huge change, even the short visit that he will get.
I worry about life, the new year and all the changes that might come.  What will happen next.  I know that we are up for orders, I want to stay here.  I love my job, I love my house, my friends everything.  Well most things, but more then I have ever loved at any of the bases that we have been stationed.
How do you deal?  What happens next?
I know how to deal with anxiety, journaling, talking, keeping in the moment, accepting that life will take you for the ride that you are intended to be on.  Its difficult.  Mostly because I don't know where I will be this time next year, but last year I sat in the same spot with the same wonders.  So I guess I close my eyes and hold on for the ride.
And knit, because that will help ease anxiety too...