Remembering

That you don't do nice things for people to get nice back, that you don't do good and expect good in return.  That is one of the hardest life lessons that there is.  And some times I forget.  I forget that you do good things for your kids so that they grow up to be good people, that you do nice things for your spouse, just because you love him.
Its hard to remember.  There are days that I give and give and give, and all I get are screaming children and angry husband.
Today I looked back at my life.  At all the dreams that I had.  All the choices that I made that ended me here.  And I was sad.  There were too many times that I let my anxieties get in the way of something that could have been great, or not.  Too many times that I decided to take the sure thing rather than bet on the long shot.  All the paths that I saw, but walked with the crowd.  And I was sad.
I realized that too much time has passed and I can't even begin to remake decisions and change my life.  Too much time that I have lost.  Because I wanted to make sure that everyone else followed their dreams, and had their chance to make sure that they were happy.
And it hurt.  Lots.  I cried, and was sad.
Then I remembered.  I made these choices out of love sometimes.  I want my boys to have their dreams.  Maybe I will just have to sit in the back seat and watch life pass me by, but my boys are living their dreams. And for anyone that should be enough.  I will get my chance to shine, just not right now.

New Year, New Anxieties.

I have a slight problem with anxiety.  Just a little, it's cause I tend to worry.  It heredity; I worry but so does my grandmother and my mom.  I know this and I try to work with it.  All the time, I try.
I worry about work, did I get everything done?  Will I meet all my deadlines (both work imposed and self imposed)?  Do I have what it takes?  And I know that I will get it done, on time, and I do have what it takes, but I use my anxiety to drive me to succeed and do the best that I can do.
I worry about my boys.  Am I a good parent?  Do I have enough patience? Am I teaching what they need to make it in the world?  Then I look at my boys and see two happy, lovely boys, one who is standing on the edge of adulthood and has shown that he can make mostly good decisions and one who is learning how to be independent.
I worry about my marriage.  He's gone so much, and I never know what will happen when he comes home.  He will be home for a visit in just a few weeks, and I so worry about how we will get along when he is home.  I've been independent and in charge of everything for the last 18 months, so it will be a huge change, even the short visit that he will get.
I worry about life, the new year and all the changes that might come.  What will happen next.  I know that we are up for orders, I want to stay here.  I love my job, I love my house, my friends everything.  Well most things, but more then I have ever loved at any of the bases that we have been stationed.
How do you deal?  What happens next?
I know how to deal with anxiety, journaling, talking, keeping in the moment, accepting that life will take you for the ride that you are intended to be on.  Its difficult.  Mostly because I don't know where I will be this time next year, but last year I sat in the same spot with the same wonders.  So I guess I close my eyes and hold on for the ride.
And knit, because that will help ease anxiety too...

Not dead yet!

Finally graduated (With honors!) and really thought that I would have more time to you know, do stuff.  WOW! I was wrong.  I have zero time.  Cause I have to do all the things that I have flat out ignored for the last few years as I struggled to do it all on my own.
So I finally went through the baby's clothes; except the part when I don't have a baby cause hes THREE now.  But there are no longer any 6-9 month pajamas in his dresser.  And my clothes (gained a bit of weight while I was struggling with everything and didn't have time for exercise).  And the dudes.
Then on to the kitchen (decided that I would start at one end of the house and go room by room.  5 boxes of stuff to the shelter.  And gave small appliances to friends.   Finished fixing the grout that was messed up in the glass tile (that I installed) and rearranged for better flow.
Today it was the little dude's time to have his room redone.  He decided that he was a big boy and didn't need to have a toddler bed any more.  So I took one of the little beds out of the spare room and gave the crib/toddler bed to a friend that is expecting and spent a few hours cleaning his room.  almost half way done.

such a big boy now.  I'm working on making the  nursery go away and a little boy room happen.  Might take a bit, but I'll get it done.

Still knitting.  Working on really messing up a project and hopefully making the mistakes into a beautiful wonderful shawl for a gift-mas gift.  I know that the recipient will be all 'I GOT A SHAWL!" but I still want it to be a pretty one.  and work.  and high school for the big dude.  and he bought himself a bass last year with all of his christmas money (and a 20$ loan from mom) and he is all band now.  Working on making a garage band with his friends.

It will get easier.  every day is a day closer to husband getting home and life as a family starting again. 

Running on empty

Working like crazy.  School full time.  Two children who need me til bed time.  House work.  Lets re-grout the kitchen!  We can do it in a week of weeknights.  So we do.  almost done and we still have one day left...
Then we need to get the screen replaced on the porch.
and the house pressure washed
and the deck needs to be painted.
so does the upstairs room
and the ceiling in the bathroom and kiddo's room.
then need to rearrange the furniture in the living room to free up some space.
and hubby and I are doing it by our selves.  We are having a bit of help for the re-screening project.  But besides that...
And I"m tired.  and I hurt.  and I can't explain to the baby that no, I can't hold him while I"m grouting tiles so I hold him.  and grout.  and get more tired and hurt more.
Its almost like I have all these chores to do so I won't miss the hubby so much when he leaves in 6 weeks.

how many times?

Do you let someone stomp all over you until you have had enough?  What if that someone is a bunch of someones?  And they are family?
I'm great at helping others thru their problems, but kinda suck with my own...  I've made it a habit to let these people stomp all over me.  a long habit, so its nice and set in there.  And I don't know how to stop.  I"m using some anger management techniques to help.  I"m trying to separate myself as much as possible.  They hurt the kiddo, so he will not be around for days that the rest of the family are spending time with these people.  I've made the decision that they will NOT HURT MY CHILD.  And if they start being mean to the baby, they won't see him either.  So one down... now to work on me.
It hurts hubby when I"m not there, especially this year when we have so little time together and want to be close. Its not happening...
But I"m going to be strong this time, will not let someone break me.  Because I am a strong woman and I will not be held down by someone else's opinion of me that is based not on what I have done, but what they expect me to do.  So I will be strong, and I will not be hurt again.  and if it costs me their scorn, then so be it. I can live with that.

Cha-cha-cha changes!

So many of them.  Trying to do the job, the internship, the grad school, the kids and then we add Husband to the mix.  I hate changes.  I had it all under control. Had a great schedule that left me about 4 hours of sleep each night.  The boys felt loved and I had time for both of them... Then my hubby came home.
Don't take it wrong, I love having him home.  Spent the whole deployment working on making sure the baby didn't forget him and I got it right!  Baby was so happy when daddy came to get him.  The baby went right to him and they fell back into their old routine.  Then the kiddo... well, he's 14 and full of angst.  He doesn't care and he if daddy is home, he just wants to play his music and not worry about anything else.
But we are making it work.
Kiddo made all county band.  I'm so happy!!!  The only tuba in his school to make it.  So proud of him.  Missed a night of school for it, but its all good.   Family comes first, everything else is second.  And then next weekend we will be in Gulf Breeze all day at band stuff.  It will be fun for the kiddo, not sure how the baby will take it, but it will work.
Hubby is looking at a one year tour in Korea, maybe, maybe not.  I don't know how I will manage if he's gone again for so long...  Its never good to be gone for so long. I think  of all the things that he will miss and all that he will never get back with the kids.  And I know that the boys won't forgive him if he leaves so soon after getting back.

Knitting, that is how I will handle it...

a sigh of relief

Hubby came home today!  I was so busy this morning he almost beat me to the airport.
I'm working, doing my internship, full time Grad school, helping kiddo get to band practice, working on my knitting and playing with the baby.  Its a full day most days.
I"m starting a new job as a case manager.  Its a wonderful job with low pay, but the fact that all my clients are so happy to see me and want me to help them make their lives better makes my day worth it.  Plus its a start in the company that I want to be in, so its great!
I"m working on my pay it forward for the year.  I have 8 people that want stuff this year, so I will be knitting for a bit!  I have 2 down (can we say insomnia?) and will be starting the third soon.  I need to remember to take pictures after I take them off the wires, before I send them out.  I"m such a goof that I keep forgetting them.
But I have so much less stress now.  Hubby is home.  I got to pee without kids and dog outside the door wondering when they can come in and what I am doing and what ever else question that they can think of while I"m trying to get a minute of peace.
And hes safe.  So one less person that I have to worry about.
Now to not get bogged down in the fact that he is leaving again in 14 weeks. :(