I have night school, so whit the hubby gone, I have to leave the baby at the sitters over night. Well, Wednesday was the first night that I didn't have my little guy at home. It was quiet all night, but I couldn't sleep too well. Thursday morning the babysitter and I agreed that it would be best for him to keep to his schedule as much as he could. So I didn't go to pick him up til 3pm.
It was a sad morning, the kiddo loved being the only child, but even he was missing his brother by lunchtime. So I let him go on my weekly lunch with me. So my knitting friend and I went with kiddo up to Cracker Barrel for some comfort food, just what I needed. And we timed our late lunch so that we could leave the restraunt and get the baby.
After I get the baby set in his seat we head to Wal-Mart, my favorite store for quick pick-ups and groceries between trips to the commissary (cause I"m not driving 40 miles round trip for a gallon of milk). the kids are great in the store, no argueing or fights or anything. So off we go towards home.
We get back on the highway, going under the overpass and past the light when I notice a car shoot off the exit ramp and a little white car behind him. I didn't like how close the little white car was to the car in front and then I notice that he was going to hit me! SO I beep my horn and take my foot off the gas but it was too late. Crash, right into my front passengers side. I pull over and just freak out!!!
The kiddo tells me that he's ok and the baby is crying. I look in the rear view mirror but I can't see much. So I call 911 quick and the ambulance gets there. I also call my babysitter because I just can't do this alone. So the baby was crying because he wet himself during the crash. He was so happy that he got to wear underwear out to the store for the first time ever. He keeps telling me that he peed his underpants and he is bad and sorry. So I'm holding him and telling him that he isn't bad, it was an accident and he will be ok.
The EMS released the boys, saying that if they got bad or anything to call 911 again or take them to the hospital. So I let my babies go with the babysitter, not knowing how long it would take to get home, if I could drive my car, nothing.
As the officer is collecting my information, two more cars crash right next to me. The lady driving the first car slammed on her brakes to see the accident and the car behind her crashed right in to her. It was just horrid! I felt that my accident caused other accidents, and that just made me cry.
An hour later I was released to go home, so home I went. My car was making a weird noise and the window is broken and I just don't know why. I"m not a car person. I"m a 'honey, I think there is something wrong with the car, fix it' person. But I get home.
My best friend calls me soon after I walk into the house. I go outside to the back porch, one of my relaxing places in the house and look out into the back yard. There on the baby's slide is a snake. So I scream, there is a snake and just scream and scream. Poor friend is on the phone telling me to calm down and don't worry, they are on their way right now to my house and hangs up.
I'm scared, then I get mad. Really, really mad. I'm not gonna let ANYTHING ELSE hurt my babies! NO WAY!!! So I march out to the shed and get hubby's ax. WHACK. no more snake problem. Then I go back up to the deck and just lose it. The neighbors came over and tried to calm me down. Its ok, its over. But the emotions are still there! The fear, the thought that my babies could have been killed by a man that wanted to get home just a few minutes earlier, and then the fact that a snake was playing on my baby's favorite toy!
NO! That is not how I want this week to be!
I finally calm down, my friends pick up the kids form the sitter, they feed them and help me to file my insurance claim, plus the knowledge that they were 10 minutes away, and they left to take care of their own children. Which was fine because 10 minutes later more friends came over to sit with me and make sure that we were all ok.
This morning I decided to take the kids to their doctors and the kiddo is sent to the ER because he has headaches. He has a concussion. Wonderful. So the little man is ok, but my big boy is hurt. Another reason that I just want to curl up and cry today.
But hopefully I will have a nice relaxing weekend and it will all be better soon... Because right now I have to keep driving when all I want to do is stay HOME!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
the anger starts...... NOW!
I have two children. One, who you would think at 13, could understand that the military takes away his daddy every year and a half for 6 months. The other is 2, all he knows is that daddy is gone, and mommy won't take him back to the airport to get him.
The 13 year old does not understand. Partly because of his Aspergers, partly because he doesn't understand war in general. So I try to explain it. They hurt us and we want to make sure that it doesn't happen again. That really isn't what is going on, but as an adult, that is how I see it too. I know that there is a larger reason, the human rights, the poppies and oil, and others. But is all boild down to they hurt us, and we are fighting back.
But no matter what I say there is the anger.
From the children, from me... from every other woman who has stood in my place.
My kiddo is having meltdowns like crazy since his daddy left. He doesn't understand, and for an aspy, he needs that. So he gets angry and has no clue what to do with his anger. I don't know what to do with it either. I try to keep life as much the same as I can so that I can help him, and I talk, and explain what I know he will understand. And we don't watch the news. I can deal with his anger.
But the baby...
He has no ability to understand what is going on. he is little, wants everything that he wants and wants it now. And right now he wants daddy. We took him to the airport, he got on a plane. Now when ever he hears a plane, its his daddy and he wants him back. So he cries. Because crying has worked before maybe it will work again. And when it doesn't work and he doesn't get daddy, he cries some more.
It breaks my heart. I can't do anything but hold him when he will let me, make sure that he doesn't hurt himself when he won't.
And I'm angry too. I don't want to have my husband gone. I want him home. But I have to be strong for my little boys. Even on the days that I would rather be in bed with the blankets over my head and want to cry.
The 13 year old does not understand. Partly because of his Aspergers, partly because he doesn't understand war in general. So I try to explain it. They hurt us and we want to make sure that it doesn't happen again. That really isn't what is going on, but as an adult, that is how I see it too. I know that there is a larger reason, the human rights, the poppies and oil, and others. But is all boild down to they hurt us, and we are fighting back.
But no matter what I say there is the anger.
From the children, from me... from every other woman who has stood in my place.
My kiddo is having meltdowns like crazy since his daddy left. He doesn't understand, and for an aspy, he needs that. So he gets angry and has no clue what to do with his anger. I don't know what to do with it either. I try to keep life as much the same as I can so that I can help him, and I talk, and explain what I know he will understand. And we don't watch the news. I can deal with his anger.
But the baby...
He has no ability to understand what is going on. he is little, wants everything that he wants and wants it now. And right now he wants daddy. We took him to the airport, he got on a plane. Now when ever he hears a plane, its his daddy and he wants him back. So he cries. Because crying has worked before maybe it will work again. And when it doesn't work and he doesn't get daddy, he cries some more.
It breaks my heart. I can't do anything but hold him when he will let me, make sure that he doesn't hurt himself when he won't.
And I'm angry too. I don't want to have my husband gone. I want him home. But I have to be strong for my little boys. Even on the days that I would rather be in bed with the blankets over my head and want to cry.
Monday, July 18, 2011
And so it begins
Dropped the husband off at the airport yesterday. It was a sad day.
The weather fit the mood of the day, raining and dreary. We were sad, loading up my jeep to the brim with 6 months of stuff that you will need when you don't have the comforts of home. I will still need to go to the post office and send him some stuff that he won't have at his location, like bedding and such. (which upsets me everytime he goes, they don't have enough sheets and blankets for the troops).
The baby is sad today, and was sad yesterday too. He wants me to take him back to the airport so he can get his daddy back. How do you explain to a two year old that daddy won't be home for quite some time? The kiddo helps out so much and just hugs him and plays a game with him.
And I have one more paper to write before I can call this term at school done. Will have to really try and concentrate for this. Its so hard to concentrate on school work when all I can think of is 'did his plane make it?' "did he get there ok?'
I don't watch the news when he is gone so I don't know how the world is, and I won't get too upset. But this trip I am trying to have a new outlook on life. I am trying to think positive! I can do this, I've done it more times than I want to remember. I will make it thru this deployment, and the remote tour that follows right on the heels. I can live two years with out my husband home, and I will live well. Just differently
The weather fit the mood of the day, raining and dreary. We were sad, loading up my jeep to the brim with 6 months of stuff that you will need when you don't have the comforts of home. I will still need to go to the post office and send him some stuff that he won't have at his location, like bedding and such. (which upsets me everytime he goes, they don't have enough sheets and blankets for the troops).
The baby is sad today, and was sad yesterday too. He wants me to take him back to the airport so he can get his daddy back. How do you explain to a two year old that daddy won't be home for quite some time? The kiddo helps out so much and just hugs him and plays a game with him.
And I have one more paper to write before I can call this term at school done. Will have to really try and concentrate for this. Its so hard to concentrate on school work when all I can think of is 'did his plane make it?' "did he get there ok?'
I don't watch the news when he is gone so I don't know how the world is, and I won't get too upset. But this trip I am trying to have a new outlook on life. I am trying to think positive! I can do this, I've done it more times than I want to remember. I will make it thru this deployment, and the remote tour that follows right on the heels. I can live two years with out my husband home, and I will live well. Just differently
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Things that I understand...
With the Hubby getting ready to deploy I get lots of advice from friends. Some is just crazy.
I know that I should have expected this, he is in the military. No, I did not ask for this. Yes I can live without him in phone call range, I am a strong woman. No, I have no idea where he is going. I feel that even when he is not in my country, his fight is to make sure that my country stays free. And a million more answers that I have to give, over and over.
I don't feel that I need to explain my life every time he leaves. Its hard, for me and the kids. I do what I can to stay strong. I also cry a lot when the boys are sleeping. I miss him every minute of every day and I love him more than I could possibly say, but I also support him. I am strong because of that. It sucks, really really bad but I also become stronger every time he leaves.
I am a military wife and I know that he will leave. That is why I cherish every day that he is home. I record him playing with the boys so that they will remember all the fun dad is, and that he does care, even if he is a bizillion miles away.
We still include him in our life, its just different. I guess that if you don't have a loved one in the military you won't understand. But just remember, just cause you don't get it doesn't mean it doesn't work for me.
I know that I should have expected this, he is in the military. No, I did not ask for this. Yes I can live without him in phone call range, I am a strong woman. No, I have no idea where he is going. I feel that even when he is not in my country, his fight is to make sure that my country stays free. And a million more answers that I have to give, over and over.
I don't feel that I need to explain my life every time he leaves. Its hard, for me and the kids. I do what I can to stay strong. I also cry a lot when the boys are sleeping. I miss him every minute of every day and I love him more than I could possibly say, but I also support him. I am strong because of that. It sucks, really really bad but I also become stronger every time he leaves.
I am a military wife and I know that he will leave. That is why I cherish every day that he is home. I record him playing with the boys so that they will remember all the fun dad is, and that he does care, even if he is a bizillion miles away.
We still include him in our life, its just different. I guess that if you don't have a loved one in the military you won't understand. But just remember, just cause you don't get it doesn't mean it doesn't work for me.
Friday, July 1, 2011
4 day weekend
Which means a BBQ. I love having all my friends over to sit and talk and knit and just have a fun time. I don't like the set up or the clean up. I guess I'm more of a wind down type of girl.
The sister is making the trek down to my house from her place in North Carolina, its only 10 hours, but this is the first visit to my house since we moved in in 2008. I only see her every two years or so, so I"m mostly excited. But we do tend to fight a bit when we are together. She's one of my best friends when she is 500 or so miles away!
Had to take the Jeep in to get fixed today. I keep telling myself that its cheaper than a car payment. Its 'only' 550$ to fix the window. ONLY!!! I keep looking at new cars and wanting, but I know that the car I want (Subaru Outback) would be a waste of money. When we move we can only take one car and the rabbit has the best gas mileage (gas is expensive in Europe) and will be paid off in two years. So I will stick with the jeep that is paid off, in good running order and is fun to drive. (plus the Subaru payment is 550$ and we really can't swing that every month).
Every year I do pay it forward with crafts. I have only one shawl left to complete my pay it forward. I'm stuck. Can't get the edging on the swallowtail shawl right. So I'm procrastinating it.
With this. and about 6 other shawls that I knit in June when I should have been working on the swallowtail. I'm a bad bad girl... but a very good knitter.
I sent this one off to a friend of mine in exchange for a hat for the kiddo... He likes hats and I knit backwards so all tube shapes come out twisted. I figure that its easier to knit a shawl and mail it rather than try to change how I knit.
The sister is making the trek down to my house from her place in North Carolina, its only 10 hours, but this is the first visit to my house since we moved in in 2008. I only see her every two years or so, so I"m mostly excited. But we do tend to fight a bit when we are together. She's one of my best friends when she is 500 or so miles away!
Had to take the Jeep in to get fixed today. I keep telling myself that its cheaper than a car payment. Its 'only' 550$ to fix the window. ONLY!!! I keep looking at new cars and wanting, but I know that the car I want (Subaru Outback) would be a waste of money. When we move we can only take one car and the rabbit has the best gas mileage (gas is expensive in Europe) and will be paid off in two years. So I will stick with the jeep that is paid off, in good running order and is fun to drive. (plus the Subaru payment is 550$ and we really can't swing that every month).
Every year I do pay it forward with crafts. I have only one shawl left to complete my pay it forward. I'm stuck. Can't get the edging on the swallowtail shawl right. So I'm procrastinating it.
I sent this one off to a friend of mine in exchange for a hat for the kiddo... He likes hats and I knit backwards so all tube shapes come out twisted. I figure that its easier to knit a shawl and mail it rather than try to change how I knit.
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