The psychology of abuse

I'm studying to be a counselor.  I have read book after book on abuse.  I know what the abuser thinks and what he (or in some cases, she) feel when the abuse is happening.  I have knowledge from books.  And from life.  I was in an abusive relationship.  I remember how it feels to be the worst person in the whole world, how much is my fault... well, according to him, it was all my fault.  And I believed it.  It was because I was a bad person that he wasn't happy.  Then one day I snapped and realized that I was not at fault for most of what he told me I was.  I had nothing to do with who was elected president (I voted for who he told me to), I had nothing to do with the rain on Saturday (I cannot control the weather).  And it most definitely was not my fault that he hit me.  It was only my fault that I was letting it happen.
It's happening to a friend right now.  She came to me and told me that she wanted out.  I found her a place to stay.  She wouldn't stay in the shelter (which I wish she would have, she needs intense therapy), I knew that she couldn't stay with me.  But I found one of my friends that she could stay with.  She left him yesterday.  For the 5th time.  She is going thru all the reactions that come with breaking up with an abuser.  Its her fault that he has to be mad, that they have problems... if she would change then her relationship would be all better.  So I asked her if it got better any of the other times that she came back.  No (not that I expected a different answer), it got worse.  And then he would apologize and it would be ok for a week, then bad again...The same old story of an abusive relationship. 
and it brings back the memories of my abusive relationship.  She is wanting me to make it all better, not understanding that it will take her time to get better.  She wants the future that he promised her last night as she was leaving.  They will get married and have babies and it will all be better.  All the same promises that I heard. 
I was strong enough to know that I do not need a man.  I enjoy having one, but I will not let a man make me feel guilty for being alive again.  Its almost like I"m trying to make up her mind for her.  She told me that she wanted out, so I'm helping her get out.  But I also know that she isn't strong.  She is young.  She is 23... I was 21 at the time, but I have more backbone I guess.  I really don't know what to tell her.
One day at a time is what I'm saying.  I'm going to take her into counseling next week, she has agreed to that.  And hopefully she will know that she needs to worry about her.  I know that I got her out once and I don't know if I can do it again and that is what makes me really sad.

anxiety and more anxiety

Still fighting the feeling of dread when I go to drive my jeep...  And I"m not alone, the kiddo and the baby have it.  It wasn't that bad of an accident, damage wise.  The kiddo was the only one to substain physical injuries, and the baby and I were mostly unhurt.  Its the emotional injuries that are the worse.
I dread driving.  Any and all driving.  I dread taking my car in to get fixed.  I shake, I sweat.  And its not just in my car either.  When driving the hubby's car I'm the same way.  I"m changing my life so I don't have to leave my house.  I am forcing myself to go out.  I go to Wal-Mart.  I take the baby to his sitters.  I go to school.  But I wanted to go to the beach and I couldn't go.  I couldn't get behind the wheel and drive there. 
I don't want to be a prisoner in my home.  But what do I do?  The baby has horrid nightmares that are made worse when I do try and take him in the jeep.  The kiddo gets angrier (which is how teens respond to stress).  and I get scared. 
Yesterday a friend came over, the friend that came over the night of the accident.  The baby went up to her and said "I was in a accident.  I don't like white cars"  then peed himself.  It was so sad!  This damn thing has affected my life worse than even I thought it could.  I don't know what to do to make my children better and I'm trying to make me better at the same time. 
I've hit a wall.  I'm not sleeping good, which makes me hurt worse, and doesn't help any emotional problems.  The kids both are still having nightmares.  Trying not to let the hubby know how bad it is because he has enough on his plate and trying not to be too needy on my friends.  Its a rough patch.  I know that it will be over soon, but I'm hoping that it gets done with sooner rather than later.

The epic tail of the baby and his sunglasses

Poor, poor baby.  He doesn't have glasses.  Mommy has glasses, Daddy has glasses, Big Brother has glasses and so does almost everyone else in the pictures labeled family.
But not baby.  He had a sad.  It was a big sad, he told me all about it.  It made him cry.
So being the good mommy that I am, I bought him a pair of sunglasses.  These were the perfect thing!  He could wear them and the sun didn't hurt his eyes in the morning.  Put them on outside and they were great!!  It was fun to play in the bright Florida sun. 
We went on a bike ride (well, up and down the driveway on the tricycle), we played on the slide and he just ran like crazy all over the back yard.  They were wonderful!!!
But then it was time to go inside.  Sunglasses like his don't work like mine.  When I go inside my sunglasses magically become clear glasses.  So baby had to investigate why.
He looked really closely at my lenses.  Didn't change them.  He looked very closely at his lenses, no change there either.  his were still dark.  So he got into his tool box.  Out comes the plastic screwdriver.  He comes close to me, I run.  So he tries to hit the lenses of his glasses, no change.  So he gets out the ruler and measures them.  Still nothing.
He's two so my pleas of 'Baby, they stay that way" were left unheard.  So I let him go at it.
The hammer didn't work, neither did the drill, or the extra screws that go with the board to use with his plastic tools.
So he finally decided what the next step would be!  He drug his chair across the living room floor and turned on the light.  He fixed it!  Now he could see inside.
For two sometime I have to admit that hes a smarty!

Knitting? With my schedule?

I knit today, but you woulyd never know it.  Bought some new yarn with my birthday gift certificate and got out needles intent on making a cutie scarf for my niece.  Then it happened... Baby.  He just wanted to see my needles... and I was using Rozetti, Marina Multi, a fun yarn, all acrylic and waiting to made into a scarf for a 16 year old to play with.  Except the baby showed me the needles while I was out on the porch and the yarn was still on the table where I left it.  So it wasn't a project any more cause there was no way I could find the stitches to pick up.   So I will knit tomorrow.
The kitchen reno is almost done, so that is more time in my life to play with.  But school starts Monday so I will have my brains in the books more than not.  And since CACREP decided that I need to take my comps almost 6 months early I will be studying my buns off to get thru that test.  But thats ok.  I can kinda read and knit.  I will just have to make easy projects.
I did buy a shawl pin while at the yarn store.  I have 2 shawls so I've been looking for a pin for quite some time.  I did knit a shawl in trade for a pin, but that hasn't come thru yet, but when it does I will have two pins.  So I"m happy about that.
I have projects that I want to knit, I want to work on the Gale for my stepmother and the Ishbol for me, but I just don't have energy after a long day with 2 kids, the hubby deployed, a super-hyperactive dog and home renovations going on. Plus all the little things that make life stressful that I've been going thru.  The car accident, breaking my husbands car, the house getting struck by lighting, spraining my ankle, having the boys take turns getting sick and trying to get my passports and visas.  I have a bit of stress... so I"m working on it.  I just need to find time to knit and relax.
Maybe tomorrow

when life gives you lemons

you reframe.  So I"m reframing, relooking and trying to find the good in just about everything right now.  I"m trying to remember that I have had good things happen and holding on to those moments really tight. 
Got my practicum all squared away so that is great, I will stay on track for graduation.
The boys still make me smile more than they make me mad, so that's a plus.
I'm almost done with the kitchen tiles so I can re-grout them soon, so that's a plus too!
And I know no matter how bad it gets I will get thru.  Whats a few months?  Its just over a year, and every day that goes by makes it easier to remember that he will be home soon. 
The kiddo is helping me to de-grout the floor.  I bought him a MP3 player so that he can listen to music while he is working.  That is helping me out and he is learning how to fix things.
He also learned how to change a tire today when I ran over a bolt and the tire went.  So that is great too.  It is nice that I have boys. 
And my school books came in so that I can start reading and getting ready for school.  NOw to find time for everything that is on my plate.

And then?

I just have too much to do.  Since the car accident I have been dealing with the kiddo being hurt, the baby having night-terrors and the extra stress on me. 
In the weeks since the accident, Hubby's car had problems (luckily the bings and the flashy lights were just part of the warning system that there was a problem) that were fixed by a friend.  My oven broke, them the stove broke.  The baby fed some crayons to the microwave breaking that (there was nothing to fix food on for the last 4 days) and my stress rose!
AVIS is trying to get me to sign all right off from the accident before the medical bills come in, saying that is the only way that they will pay for the repairs on the car.  Ummm no.  So now I have to get a lawyer, or at least some legal advice.  I need a lawyer friend today.  And my car fixed...
Hubby's VW is a stick... and I managed to sprain my Achliles tendon.  SO now I have to drive in pain.  Wonderful.  When does it end?
But I"m trying to keep positive.  Because I know that if I give in to the anxiety and the depression it will not help and everything will be worse!
So I'm so happy that I have two little boys that love me more than anything!  And a husband that loves me too.  And I have friends that I can call on for help when I need it.  And this stressful time has shown me who my real friends are and who is just around for whatever reason that they are.  Now I know who is worth my energy and who isn't. 
I know that I can't do it all today, but there is tomorrow and tomorrow and then the next day if I need it to get done.  And I know that it doesn't make me a bad person if it takes me a day or two to get it all done.
Family isn't always who you are born with.  When you get older and move away its who you choose.  And you can always count on family not to make you feel bad for crying all over them...
And to quote Annie 'The sun Will come out tomorrow'.