how many times?

Do you let someone stomp all over you until you have had enough?  What if that someone is a bunch of someones?  And they are family?
I'm great at helping others thru their problems, but kinda suck with my own...  I've made it a habit to let these people stomp all over me.  a long habit, so its nice and set in there.  And I don't know how to stop.  I"m using some anger management techniques to help.  I"m trying to separate myself as much as possible.  They hurt the kiddo, so he will not be around for days that the rest of the family are spending time with these people.  I've made the decision that they will NOT HURT MY CHILD.  And if they start being mean to the baby, they won't see him either.  So one down... now to work on me.
It hurts hubby when I"m not there, especially this year when we have so little time together and want to be close. Its not happening...
But I"m going to be strong this time, will not let someone break me.  Because I am a strong woman and I will not be held down by someone else's opinion of me that is based not on what I have done, but what they expect me to do.  So I will be strong, and I will not be hurt again.  and if it costs me their scorn, then so be it. I can live with that.

Cha-cha-cha changes!

So many of them.  Trying to do the job, the internship, the grad school, the kids and then we add Husband to the mix.  I hate changes.  I had it all under control. Had a great schedule that left me about 4 hours of sleep each night.  The boys felt loved and I had time for both of them... Then my hubby came home.
Don't take it wrong, I love having him home.  Spent the whole deployment working on making sure the baby didn't forget him and I got it right!  Baby was so happy when daddy came to get him.  The baby went right to him and they fell back into their old routine.  Then the kiddo... well, he's 14 and full of angst.  He doesn't care and he if daddy is home, he just wants to play his music and not worry about anything else.
But we are making it work.
Kiddo made all county band.  I'm so happy!!!  The only tuba in his school to make it.  So proud of him.  Missed a night of school for it, but its all good.   Family comes first, everything else is second.  And then next weekend we will be in Gulf Breeze all day at band stuff.  It will be fun for the kiddo, not sure how the baby will take it, but it will work.
Hubby is looking at a one year tour in Korea, maybe, maybe not.  I don't know how I will manage if he's gone again for so long...  Its never good to be gone for so long. I think  of all the things that he will miss and all that he will never get back with the kids.  And I know that the boys won't forgive him if he leaves so soon after getting back.

Knitting, that is how I will handle it...

a sigh of relief

Hubby came home today!  I was so busy this morning he almost beat me to the airport.
I'm working, doing my internship, full time Grad school, helping kiddo get to band practice, working on my knitting and playing with the baby.  Its a full day most days.
I"m starting a new job as a case manager.  Its a wonderful job with low pay, but the fact that all my clients are so happy to see me and want me to help them make their lives better makes my day worth it.  Plus its a start in the company that I want to be in, so its great!
I"m working on my pay it forward for the year.  I have 8 people that want stuff this year, so I will be knitting for a bit!  I have 2 down (can we say insomnia?) and will be starting the third soon.  I need to remember to take pictures after I take them off the wires, before I send them out.  I"m such a goof that I keep forgetting them.
But I have so much less stress now.  Hubby is home.  I got to pee without kids and dog outside the door wondering when they can come in and what I am doing and what ever else question that they can think of while I"m trying to get a minute of peace.
And hes safe.  So one less person that I have to worry about.
Now to not get bogged down in the fact that he is leaving again in 14 weeks. :(

Vacation, I think not

Every year my husband gets me my mom foe Christmas.  Gets her a ticket and sends her down to warm Florida to visit with the grandbabies (I'm mature enough to understand that she loves the babies and that is who she is really visiting, I"m just around to make sure that she gets to take the kids out and play with them).  Its the week that momma comes and plays with the kids and I get to sit and knit.  But I"m also trying to get in the last 3 months of cleaning that just didn't happen because working 40 hours a week plus school and having a toddler and a teen.
So my mom is playing with the kids and I get to hear the baby giggle and have a fun time, and even the teenager is having a good time.  He has been all smiles and even nice (gasp!).

And hats... I didn't get one cause the baby decided that I wasn't cool.  So I just took pictures of them playing in the driveway in the nice weather.  I'm loving having mom here for a visit.  I wish that she lived closer or that I could see her more, but I also know she gets to come because my hubby loves me.
All I want is family for the holidays and he always makes she that I have mom, even when he is over seas.

Christmas time is a time of Cheer?

Its been hard to find things to be cheery about in my little adobe.  So I'm grabbing what good news I can and clinging to it.
I'm in line for a job!  Great, we need the money!  But all of my work experience is with children and I need to have the adult experience for this job, so I need to find all the airmen that I've helped and have them write me letters saying how I"ve helped them out of a bind.  Hum, good luck.  Hopefully the guys that I have here will work cause I"m not having luck with the guys that are stationed else where right now.
And my car blew up.  Well, just the engine, but that meant I needed to get a new one.  So I really, really need a new car cause it was hard enough to make bills before and it will be impossible now.
But I"m in line for a job, that might almost pay enough to cover the child care.  almost...  Public mental health doesn't pay much at all.  just over minimum wage.
And then I"m trying to heal from some abdominal surgery that I had.  My belly button got an infection, so its itching, and hurty.  But the surgery was a success and hopefully life will be more normal.
And the boys, they miss their daddy so much.  And he is leaving again in April for a year.  And it breaks my heart.  I really didn't marry him to have him gone so much, damnit.
So its another Christmas/holiday season with out the hubby, and next year will be the same too.  So I worry, and cry and try to be happy for the boys.

and the season approaches

And no cheer in my house this year.  The baby will open any present he sees, so there are no unopened presents left in the house.  I had to have abdominal surgery so I"m sitting around half in pain, half drugged up waiting on pathology reports.  But I'm also looking for the good things.
I have great friends that have come over every day and helped me out.  My laundry is done, the house isn't a complete mess and things are mostly smooth.
My car is broken so that is sad.  I have to worry about getting to work next week driving the hubby's manual, but I have a car.  I will just have to take a few more pills than I want to.
The kiddo is angry that his dad is again missing his birthday, and Christmas.  But he opened his present at his party last weekend and he is happy that he has an electric guitar to play.  He said its not the same, but it will work.
Its the baby that I"m really worried about.  Daddy was gone his first year, this year and then next year too.  So he is learning that daddy isn't home for the important days.  and that is sad.  He doesn't want to talk on the phone and will only talk on the computer when I ask and ask him to.  I keep trying to tell him that its only one more month and daddy will be home, but he doesn't know who daddy is. and that makes me sad.
I'm really beginning to hate this time of the year, I"m looking for positives, but I"m just down right depressed.  I know it will be ok.  But I"m going to have to cry about it a few times before it is.  and I know part of it is the surgery, pain and just plain tired.  Hard to sleep when you really really hurt.  can't get comfy at all.
It will get better.

things to be thankful for

Which is such a hard list to write this year.  If it was a list of things that I never want to do again, or things that I hope never happen again, or even a list of things that I thought I would never have to do in my life, that would be easy.
But I am thankful.
I"m thankful for a husband that loves me, even when he is 6000 miles away.  He manages to make me feel that he loves me more than anyone can ever be loved, even when he isn't here.
I"m thankful for my kiddo.  He is as helpful as he can be and he puts up with me not having the energy to do much after work.
I"m thankful for the baby.  He makes me laugh (and pull out my hair, but that's ok).
I"m thankful for the friends that I have and how they have been helping me as much as I will let them.
I'm thankful for my education.  I won't get a great paying job for my $100k worth of student loans, but I will be able to help people that really need help.  And maybe we will move to a bigger city someday so I can make a good wage off of my degree.
I'm thankful for the internet, that has made it easier to keep in touch with family even being in another state.
I"m thankful for the little things this year, because big is too hard to take.
But I"m thankful that today is sunny and bright and both boys woke up late so I could sleep in.