Which is such a hard list to write this year. If it was a list of things that I never want to do again, or things that I hope never happen again, or even a list of things that I thought I would never have to do in my life, that would be easy.
But I am thankful.
I"m thankful for a husband that loves me, even when he is 6000 miles away. He manages to make me feel that he loves me more than anyone can ever be loved, even when he isn't here.
I"m thankful for my kiddo. He is as helpful as he can be and he puts up with me not having the energy to do much after work.
I"m thankful for the baby. He makes me laugh (and pull out my hair, but that's ok).
I"m thankful for the friends that I have and how they have been helping me as much as I will let them.
I'm thankful for my education. I won't get a great paying job for my $100k worth of student loans, but I will be able to help people that really need help. And maybe we will move to a bigger city someday so I can make a good wage off of my degree.
I'm thankful for the internet, that has made it easier to keep in touch with family even being in another state.
I"m thankful for the little things this year, because big is too hard to take.
But I"m thankful that today is sunny and bright and both boys woke up late so I could sleep in.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Keeping stuff in
This has been one hell of a deployment. Besides the whole school, kids, doctor and other things that are just a normal part of life, I have been working on getting my practicum and internship set up. Since July... But that isn't a story to share on the internet. It was just frustrating and so time consuming. I guess that I naively thought that if I offered 1000 hours of work that it would be jumped on with my experience and current GPA.
And then there is the guilt that I have quite enjoyed the weekends that I have class. I had to drive 2 hours away and with the class not getting out until midnight, I got a hotel. Three weekends (Friday and Saturday) that were wonderful. I enjoyed interesting, thought provoking conversation, learned bunches, had my eyes opened on some subjects and then I got to sit in a hot tub drinking wine with one of my best friends. How could that not be a great weekend? But there is the guilt.
On Sundays I"ve undertaken the task of the beautiful Birthday Pi. My first pi shawl. And its a doosy. But I"m working on it and it will be done before Eric gets home (he doesn't get home until May 13, so I"ve given myself a bit of time to get it done).
Absolutely beautiful. I measured it and its almost 5 feet. And I"m just over 5 feet, so I"m wondering how big this will be when I finally get done... But I"m excited to work on it.
And It will be done, hopefully before I get my degree in August :)
Now to just keep everything balanced so that I can get there...
And then there is the guilt that I have quite enjoyed the weekends that I have class. I had to drive 2 hours away and with the class not getting out until midnight, I got a hotel. Three weekends (Friday and Saturday) that were wonderful. I enjoyed interesting, thought provoking conversation, learned bunches, had my eyes opened on some subjects and then I got to sit in a hot tub drinking wine with one of my best friends. How could that not be a great weekend? But there is the guilt.
On Sundays I"ve undertaken the task of the beautiful Birthday Pi. My first pi shawl. And its a doosy. But I"m working on it and it will be done before Eric gets home (he doesn't get home until May 13, so I"ve given myself a bit of time to get it done).
And It will be done, hopefully before I get my degree in August :)
Now to just keep everything balanced so that I can get there...
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Living with the guilt
Of becoming a better person.
I"m working for my grad degree. IN Clinical Psychology. It is a very intense 60 hour program. I write papers, go to night class and try to balance my life around what I need to get done.
With the husband deployed, I have to count on friends to help out. Its hard. I hate asking for help, but at the same time, I have been set back in MY plans for years while we concentrated on my husbands career. But what about me? I wanted to be on the 4 year plan for my undergrad, but the every 2 year PCS, I was glad it ONLY took 6 years to finish. Taking a term off here or there so that I could move the family, get the kid set in school, set up the house.
Now I"m one year, ONE year away from having my dream. And the husband is gone. So I have to worry about how I can get the kids to their sitters, make sure that the dog is taken care of and then drive almost 3 hours for a class. And I got a hotel. That is where the guilt starts. I didn't have my babies. I left them. I knew that they were being taken care of, but still that thought is there.
Do I really need to finish school? Its so hard as a single parent. Staying up really late to get all the papers done, make sure that everything is taken care of in the house. Making sure that my boys have everything that they need. And then more studying. Have comps, classes and soon national tests to make sure that I know what I need to before I start to practice.
But the boys understand right? How do you explain it to a 2 year old? Or a 13 year old? To that little part of me that calls me selfish and tells me to drop and just worry about the kids... I can always start over in 17 years when the baby leaves...
I feel so selfish...
I"m working for my grad degree. IN Clinical Psychology. It is a very intense 60 hour program. I write papers, go to night class and try to balance my life around what I need to get done.
With the husband deployed, I have to count on friends to help out. Its hard. I hate asking for help, but at the same time, I have been set back in MY plans for years while we concentrated on my husbands career. But what about me? I wanted to be on the 4 year plan for my undergrad, but the every 2 year PCS, I was glad it ONLY took 6 years to finish. Taking a term off here or there so that I could move the family, get the kid set in school, set up the house.
Now I"m one year, ONE year away from having my dream. And the husband is gone. So I have to worry about how I can get the kids to their sitters, make sure that the dog is taken care of and then drive almost 3 hours for a class. And I got a hotel. That is where the guilt starts. I didn't have my babies. I left them. I knew that they were being taken care of, but still that thought is there.
Do I really need to finish school? Its so hard as a single parent. Staying up really late to get all the papers done, make sure that everything is taken care of in the house. Making sure that my boys have everything that they need. And then more studying. Have comps, classes and soon national tests to make sure that I know what I need to before I start to practice.
But the boys understand right? How do you explain it to a 2 year old? Or a 13 year old? To that little part of me that calls me selfish and tells me to drop and just worry about the kids... I can always start over in 17 years when the baby leaves...
I feel so selfish...
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The psychology of abuse
I'm studying to be a counselor. I have read book after book on abuse. I know what the abuser thinks and what he (or in some cases, she) feel when the abuse is happening. I have knowledge from books. And from life. I was in an abusive relationship. I remember how it feels to be the worst person in the whole world, how much is my fault... well, according to him, it was all my fault. And I believed it. It was because I was a bad person that he wasn't happy. Then one day I snapped and realized that I was not at fault for most of what he told me I was. I had nothing to do with who was elected president (I voted for who he told me to), I had nothing to do with the rain on Saturday (I cannot control the weather). And it most definitely was not my fault that he hit me. It was only my fault that I was letting it happen.
It's happening to a friend right now. She came to me and told me that she wanted out. I found her a place to stay. She wouldn't stay in the shelter (which I wish she would have, she needs intense therapy), I knew that she couldn't stay with me. But I found one of my friends that she could stay with. She left him yesterday. For the 5th time. She is going thru all the reactions that come with breaking up with an abuser. Its her fault that he has to be mad, that they have problems... if she would change then her relationship would be all better. So I asked her if it got better any of the other times that she came back. No (not that I expected a different answer), it got worse. And then he would apologize and it would be ok for a week, then bad again...The same old story of an abusive relationship.
and it brings back the memories of my abusive relationship. She is wanting me to make it all better, not understanding that it will take her time to get better. She wants the future that he promised her last night as she was leaving. They will get married and have babies and it will all be better. All the same promises that I heard.
I was strong enough to know that I do not need a man. I enjoy having one, but I will not let a man make me feel guilty for being alive again. Its almost like I"m trying to make up her mind for her. She told me that she wanted out, so I'm helping her get out. But I also know that she isn't strong. She is young. She is 23... I was 21 at the time, but I have more backbone I guess. I really don't know what to tell her.
One day at a time is what I'm saying. I'm going to take her into counseling next week, she has agreed to that. And hopefully she will know that she needs to worry about her. I know that I got her out once and I don't know if I can do it again and that is what makes me really sad.
It's happening to a friend right now. She came to me and told me that she wanted out. I found her a place to stay. She wouldn't stay in the shelter (which I wish she would have, she needs intense therapy), I knew that she couldn't stay with me. But I found one of my friends that she could stay with. She left him yesterday. For the 5th time. She is going thru all the reactions that come with breaking up with an abuser. Its her fault that he has to be mad, that they have problems... if she would change then her relationship would be all better. So I asked her if it got better any of the other times that she came back. No (not that I expected a different answer), it got worse. And then he would apologize and it would be ok for a week, then bad again...The same old story of an abusive relationship.
and it brings back the memories of my abusive relationship. She is wanting me to make it all better, not understanding that it will take her time to get better. She wants the future that he promised her last night as she was leaving. They will get married and have babies and it will all be better. All the same promises that I heard.
I was strong enough to know that I do not need a man. I enjoy having one, but I will not let a man make me feel guilty for being alive again. Its almost like I"m trying to make up her mind for her. She told me that she wanted out, so I'm helping her get out. But I also know that she isn't strong. She is young. She is 23... I was 21 at the time, but I have more backbone I guess. I really don't know what to tell her.
One day at a time is what I'm saying. I'm going to take her into counseling next week, she has agreed to that. And hopefully she will know that she needs to worry about her. I know that I got her out once and I don't know if I can do it again and that is what makes me really sad.
Monday, August 22, 2011
anxiety and more anxiety
Still fighting the feeling of dread when I go to drive my jeep... And I"m not alone, the kiddo and the baby have it. It wasn't that bad of an accident, damage wise. The kiddo was the only one to substain physical injuries, and the baby and I were mostly unhurt. Its the emotional injuries that are the worse.
I dread driving. Any and all driving. I dread taking my car in to get fixed. I shake, I sweat. And its not just in my car either. When driving the hubby's car I'm the same way. I"m changing my life so I don't have to leave my house. I am forcing myself to go out. I go to Wal-Mart. I take the baby to his sitters. I go to school. But I wanted to go to the beach and I couldn't go. I couldn't get behind the wheel and drive there.
I don't want to be a prisoner in my home. But what do I do? The baby has horrid nightmares that are made worse when I do try and take him in the jeep. The kiddo gets angrier (which is how teens respond to stress). and I get scared.
Yesterday a friend came over, the friend that came over the night of the accident. The baby went up to her and said "I was in a accident. I don't like white cars" then peed himself. It was so sad! This damn thing has affected my life worse than even I thought it could. I don't know what to do to make my children better and I'm trying to make me better at the same time.
I've hit a wall. I'm not sleeping good, which makes me hurt worse, and doesn't help any emotional problems. The kids both are still having nightmares. Trying not to let the hubby know how bad it is because he has enough on his plate and trying not to be too needy on my friends. Its a rough patch. I know that it will be over soon, but I'm hoping that it gets done with sooner rather than later.
I dread driving. Any and all driving. I dread taking my car in to get fixed. I shake, I sweat. And its not just in my car either. When driving the hubby's car I'm the same way. I"m changing my life so I don't have to leave my house. I am forcing myself to go out. I go to Wal-Mart. I take the baby to his sitters. I go to school. But I wanted to go to the beach and I couldn't go. I couldn't get behind the wheel and drive there.
I don't want to be a prisoner in my home. But what do I do? The baby has horrid nightmares that are made worse when I do try and take him in the jeep. The kiddo gets angrier (which is how teens respond to stress). and I get scared.
Yesterday a friend came over, the friend that came over the night of the accident. The baby went up to her and said "I was in a accident. I don't like white cars" then peed himself. It was so sad! This damn thing has affected my life worse than even I thought it could. I don't know what to do to make my children better and I'm trying to make me better at the same time.
I've hit a wall. I'm not sleeping good, which makes me hurt worse, and doesn't help any emotional problems. The kids both are still having nightmares. Trying not to let the hubby know how bad it is because he has enough on his plate and trying not to be too needy on my friends. Its a rough patch. I know that it will be over soon, but I'm hoping that it gets done with sooner rather than later.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The epic tail of the baby and his sunglasses
Poor, poor baby. He doesn't have glasses. Mommy has glasses, Daddy has glasses, Big Brother has glasses and so does almost everyone else in the pictures labeled family.
But not baby. He had a sad. It was a big sad, he told me all about it. It made him cry.
So being the good mommy that I am, I bought him a pair of sunglasses. These were the perfect thing! He could wear them and the sun didn't hurt his eyes in the morning. Put them on outside and they were great!! It was fun to play in the bright Florida sun.
We went on a bike ride (well, up and down the driveway on the tricycle), we played on the slide and he just ran like crazy all over the back yard. They were wonderful!!!
But then it was time to go inside. Sunglasses like his don't work like mine. When I go inside my sunglasses magically become clear glasses. So baby had to investigate why.
He looked really closely at my lenses. Didn't change them. He looked very closely at his lenses, no change there either. his were still dark. So he got into his tool box. Out comes the plastic screwdriver. He comes close to me, I run. So he tries to hit the lenses of his glasses, no change. So he gets out the ruler and measures them. Still nothing.
He's two so my pleas of 'Baby, they stay that way" were left unheard. So I let him go at it.
The hammer didn't work, neither did the drill, or the extra screws that go with the board to use with his plastic tools.
So he finally decided what the next step would be! He drug his chair across the living room floor and turned on the light. He fixed it! Now he could see inside.
For two sometime I have to admit that hes a smarty!
But not baby. He had a sad. It was a big sad, he told me all about it. It made him cry.
So being the good mommy that I am, I bought him a pair of sunglasses. These were the perfect thing! He could wear them and the sun didn't hurt his eyes in the morning. Put them on outside and they were great!! It was fun to play in the bright Florida sun.
We went on a bike ride (well, up and down the driveway on the tricycle), we played on the slide and he just ran like crazy all over the back yard. They were wonderful!!!
But then it was time to go inside. Sunglasses like his don't work like mine. When I go inside my sunglasses magically become clear glasses. So baby had to investigate why.
He looked really closely at my lenses. Didn't change them. He looked very closely at his lenses, no change there either. his were still dark. So he got into his tool box. Out comes the plastic screwdriver. He comes close to me, I run. So he tries to hit the lenses of his glasses, no change. So he gets out the ruler and measures them. Still nothing.
He's two so my pleas of 'Baby, they stay that way" were left unheard. So I let him go at it.
The hammer didn't work, neither did the drill, or the extra screws that go with the board to use with his plastic tools.
So he finally decided what the next step would be! He drug his chair across the living room floor and turned on the light. He fixed it! Now he could see inside.
For two sometime I have to admit that hes a smarty!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Knitting? With my schedule?
I knit today, but you woulyd never know it. Bought some new yarn with my birthday gift certificate and got out needles intent on making a cutie scarf for my niece. Then it happened... Baby. He just wanted to see my needles... and I was using Rozetti, Marina Multi, a fun yarn, all acrylic and waiting to made into a scarf for a 16 year old to play with. Except the baby showed me the needles while I was out on the porch and the yarn was still on the table where I left it. So it wasn't a project any more cause there was no way I could find the stitches to pick up. So I will knit tomorrow.
The kitchen reno is almost done, so that is more time in my life to play with. But school starts Monday so I will have my brains in the books more than not. And since CACREP decided that I need to take my comps almost 6 months early I will be studying my buns off to get thru that test. But thats ok. I can kinda read and knit. I will just have to make easy projects.
I did buy a shawl pin while at the yarn store. I have 2 shawls so I've been looking for a pin for quite some time. I did knit a shawl in trade for a pin, but that hasn't come thru yet, but when it does I will have two pins. So I"m happy about that.
I have projects that I want to knit, I want to work on the Gale for my stepmother and the Ishbol for me, but I just don't have energy after a long day with 2 kids, the hubby deployed, a super-hyperactive dog and home renovations going on. Plus all the little things that make life stressful that I've been going thru. The car accident, breaking my husbands car, the house getting struck by lighting, spraining my ankle, having the boys take turns getting sick and trying to get my passports and visas. I have a bit of stress... so I"m working on it. I just need to find time to knit and relax.
Maybe tomorrow
The kitchen reno is almost done, so that is more time in my life to play with. But school starts Monday so I will have my brains in the books more than not. And since CACREP decided that I need to take my comps almost 6 months early I will be studying my buns off to get thru that test. But thats ok. I can kinda read and knit. I will just have to make easy projects.
I did buy a shawl pin while at the yarn store. I have 2 shawls so I've been looking for a pin for quite some time. I did knit a shawl in trade for a pin, but that hasn't come thru yet, but when it does I will have two pins. So I"m happy about that.
I have projects that I want to knit, I want to work on the Gale for my stepmother and the Ishbol for me, but I just don't have energy after a long day with 2 kids, the hubby deployed, a super-hyperactive dog and home renovations going on. Plus all the little things that make life stressful that I've been going thru. The car accident, breaking my husbands car, the house getting struck by lighting, spraining my ankle, having the boys take turns getting sick and trying to get my passports and visas. I have a bit of stress... so I"m working on it. I just need to find time to knit and relax.
Maybe tomorrow
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