Vacation, I think not

Every year my husband gets me my mom foe Christmas.  Gets her a ticket and sends her down to warm Florida to visit with the grandbabies (I'm mature enough to understand that she loves the babies and that is who she is really visiting, I"m just around to make sure that she gets to take the kids out and play with them).  Its the week that momma comes and plays with the kids and I get to sit and knit.  But I"m also trying to get in the last 3 months of cleaning that just didn't happen because working 40 hours a week plus school and having a toddler and a teen.
So my mom is playing with the kids and I get to hear the baby giggle and have a fun time, and even the teenager is having a good time.  He has been all smiles and even nice (gasp!).

And hats... I didn't get one cause the baby decided that I wasn't cool.  So I just took pictures of them playing in the driveway in the nice weather.  I'm loving having mom here for a visit.  I wish that she lived closer or that I could see her more, but I also know she gets to come because my hubby loves me.
All I want is family for the holidays and he always makes she that I have mom, even when he is over seas.

Christmas time is a time of Cheer?

Its been hard to find things to be cheery about in my little adobe.  So I'm grabbing what good news I can and clinging to it.
I'm in line for a job!  Great, we need the money!  But all of my work experience is with children and I need to have the adult experience for this job, so I need to find all the airmen that I've helped and have them write me letters saying how I"ve helped them out of a bind.  Hum, good luck.  Hopefully the guys that I have here will work cause I"m not having luck with the guys that are stationed else where right now.
And my car blew up.  Well, just the engine, but that meant I needed to get a new one.  So I really, really need a new car cause it was hard enough to make bills before and it will be impossible now.
But I"m in line for a job, that might almost pay enough to cover the child care.  almost...  Public mental health doesn't pay much at all.  just over minimum wage.
And then I"m trying to heal from some abdominal surgery that I had.  My belly button got an infection, so its itching, and hurty.  But the surgery was a success and hopefully life will be more normal.
And the boys, they miss their daddy so much.  And he is leaving again in April for a year.  And it breaks my heart.  I really didn't marry him to have him gone so much, damnit.
So its another Christmas/holiday season with out the hubby, and next year will be the same too.  So I worry, and cry and try to be happy for the boys.

and the season approaches

And no cheer in my house this year.  The baby will open any present he sees, so there are no unopened presents left in the house.  I had to have abdominal surgery so I"m sitting around half in pain, half drugged up waiting on pathology reports.  But I'm also looking for the good things.
I have great friends that have come over every day and helped me out.  My laundry is done, the house isn't a complete mess and things are mostly smooth.
My car is broken so that is sad.  I have to worry about getting to work next week driving the hubby's manual, but I have a car.  I will just have to take a few more pills than I want to.
The kiddo is angry that his dad is again missing his birthday, and Christmas.  But he opened his present at his party last weekend and he is happy that he has an electric guitar to play.  He said its not the same, but it will work.
Its the baby that I"m really worried about.  Daddy was gone his first year, this year and then next year too.  So he is learning that daddy isn't home for the important days.  and that is sad.  He doesn't want to talk on the phone and will only talk on the computer when I ask and ask him to.  I keep trying to tell him that its only one more month and daddy will be home, but he doesn't know who daddy is. and that makes me sad.
I'm really beginning to hate this time of the year, I"m looking for positives, but I"m just down right depressed.  I know it will be ok.  But I"m going to have to cry about it a few times before it is.  and I know part of it is the surgery, pain and just plain tired.  Hard to sleep when you really really hurt.  can't get comfy at all.
It will get better.

things to be thankful for

Which is such a hard list to write this year.  If it was a list of things that I never want to do again, or things that I hope never happen again, or even a list of things that I thought I would never have to do in my life, that would be easy.
But I am thankful.
I"m thankful for a husband that loves me, even when he is 6000 miles away.  He manages to make me feel that he loves me more than anyone can ever be loved, even when he isn't here.
I"m thankful for my kiddo.  He is as helpful as he can be and he puts up with me not having the energy to do much after work.
I"m thankful for the baby.  He makes me laugh (and pull out my hair, but that's ok).
I"m thankful for the friends that I have and how they have been helping me as much as I will let them.
I'm thankful for my education.  I won't get a great paying job for my $100k worth of student loans, but I will be able to help people that really need help.  And maybe we will move to a bigger city someday so I can make a good wage off of my degree.
I'm thankful for the internet, that has made it easier to keep in touch with family even being in another state.
I"m thankful for the little things this year, because big is too hard to take.
But I"m thankful that today is sunny and bright and both boys woke up late so I could sleep in.

Keeping stuff in

This has been one hell of a deployment.  Besides the whole school, kids, doctor and other things that are just a normal part of life, I have been working on getting my practicum and internship set up.  Since July...  But that isn't a story to share on the internet.  It was just frustrating and so time consuming.  I guess that I naively thought that if I offered 1000 hours of work that it would be jumped on with my experience and current GPA.
And then there is the guilt that I have quite enjoyed the weekends that I have class.  I had to drive 2 hours away and with the class not getting out until midnight, I got a hotel.  Three weekends (Friday and Saturday) that were wonderful.  I enjoyed interesting, thought provoking conversation, learned bunches, had my eyes opened on some subjects and then I got to sit in a hot tub drinking wine with one of my best friends.  How could that not be a great weekend?  But there is the guilt.
On Sundays I"ve undertaken the task of the beautiful Birthday Pi.  My first pi shawl.  And its a doosy.  But I"m working on it and it will be done before Eric gets home (he doesn't get home until May 13, so I"ve given myself a bit of time to get it done).

Absolutely beautiful.  I measured it and its almost 5 feet.  And I"m just over 5 feet, so I"m wondering how big this will be when I finally get done...  But I"m excited to work on it.
And It will be done, hopefully before I get my degree in August :)
Now to just keep everything balanced so that I can get there...

Living with the guilt

Of becoming a better person. 
I"m working for my grad degree.  IN Clinical Psychology.  It is a very intense 60 hour program.  I write papers, go to night class and try to balance my life around what I need to get done.
With the husband deployed, I have to count on friends to help out.  Its hard.  I hate asking for help, but at the same time, I have been set back in MY plans for years while we concentrated on my husbands career.  But what about me?  I wanted to be on the 4 year plan for my undergrad, but the every 2 year PCS, I was glad it ONLY took 6 years to finish.  Taking a term off here or there so that I could move the family, get the kid set in school, set up the house.
Now I"m one year, ONE year away from having my dream.  And the husband is gone.  So I have to worry about how I can get the kids to their sitters, make sure that the dog is taken care of and then drive almost 3 hours for a class.  And I got a hotel.  That is where the guilt starts.  I didn't have my babies.  I left them.  I knew that they were being taken care of, but still that thought is there.
Do I really need to finish school?  Its so hard as a single parent.  Staying up really late to get all the papers done, make sure that everything is taken care of in the house.  Making sure that my boys have everything that they need.  And then more studying.  Have comps, classes and soon national tests to make sure that I know what I need to before I start to practice.
But the boys understand right?  How do you explain it to a 2 year old?  Or a 13 year old?  To that little part of me that calls me selfish and tells me to drop and just worry about the kids... I can always start over in 17 years when the baby leaves...
I feel so selfish...

The psychology of abuse

I'm studying to be a counselor.  I have read book after book on abuse.  I know what the abuser thinks and what he (or in some cases, she) feel when the abuse is happening.  I have knowledge from books.  And from life.  I was in an abusive relationship.  I remember how it feels to be the worst person in the whole world, how much is my fault... well, according to him, it was all my fault.  And I believed it.  It was because I was a bad person that he wasn't happy.  Then one day I snapped and realized that I was not at fault for most of what he told me I was.  I had nothing to do with who was elected president (I voted for who he told me to), I had nothing to do with the rain on Saturday (I cannot control the weather).  And it most definitely was not my fault that he hit me.  It was only my fault that I was letting it happen.
It's happening to a friend right now.  She came to me and told me that she wanted out.  I found her a place to stay.  She wouldn't stay in the shelter (which I wish she would have, she needs intense therapy), I knew that she couldn't stay with me.  But I found one of my friends that she could stay with.  She left him yesterday.  For the 5th time.  She is going thru all the reactions that come with breaking up with an abuser.  Its her fault that he has to be mad, that they have problems... if she would change then her relationship would be all better.  So I asked her if it got better any of the other times that she came back.  No (not that I expected a different answer), it got worse.  And then he would apologize and it would be ok for a week, then bad again...The same old story of an abusive relationship. 
and it brings back the memories of my abusive relationship.  She is wanting me to make it all better, not understanding that it will take her time to get better.  She wants the future that he promised her last night as she was leaving.  They will get married and have babies and it will all be better.  All the same promises that I heard. 
I was strong enough to know that I do not need a man.  I enjoy having one, but I will not let a man make me feel guilty for being alive again.  Its almost like I"m trying to make up her mind for her.  She told me that she wanted out, so I'm helping her get out.  But I also know that she isn't strong.  She is young.  She is 23... I was 21 at the time, but I have more backbone I guess.  I really don't know what to tell her.
One day at a time is what I'm saying.  I'm going to take her into counseling next week, she has agreed to that.  And hopefully she will know that she needs to worry about her.  I know that I got her out once and I don't know if I can do it again and that is what makes me really sad.

anxiety and more anxiety

Still fighting the feeling of dread when I go to drive my jeep...  And I"m not alone, the kiddo and the baby have it.  It wasn't that bad of an accident, damage wise.  The kiddo was the only one to substain physical injuries, and the baby and I were mostly unhurt.  Its the emotional injuries that are the worse.
I dread driving.  Any and all driving.  I dread taking my car in to get fixed.  I shake, I sweat.  And its not just in my car either.  When driving the hubby's car I'm the same way.  I"m changing my life so I don't have to leave my house.  I am forcing myself to go out.  I go to Wal-Mart.  I take the baby to his sitters.  I go to school.  But I wanted to go to the beach and I couldn't go.  I couldn't get behind the wheel and drive there. 
I don't want to be a prisoner in my home.  But what do I do?  The baby has horrid nightmares that are made worse when I do try and take him in the jeep.  The kiddo gets angrier (which is how teens respond to stress).  and I get scared. 
Yesterday a friend came over, the friend that came over the night of the accident.  The baby went up to her and said "I was in a accident.  I don't like white cars"  then peed himself.  It was so sad!  This damn thing has affected my life worse than even I thought it could.  I don't know what to do to make my children better and I'm trying to make me better at the same time. 
I've hit a wall.  I'm not sleeping good, which makes me hurt worse, and doesn't help any emotional problems.  The kids both are still having nightmares.  Trying not to let the hubby know how bad it is because he has enough on his plate and trying not to be too needy on my friends.  Its a rough patch.  I know that it will be over soon, but I'm hoping that it gets done with sooner rather than later.

The epic tail of the baby and his sunglasses

Poor, poor baby.  He doesn't have glasses.  Mommy has glasses, Daddy has glasses, Big Brother has glasses and so does almost everyone else in the pictures labeled family.
But not baby.  He had a sad.  It was a big sad, he told me all about it.  It made him cry.
So being the good mommy that I am, I bought him a pair of sunglasses.  These were the perfect thing!  He could wear them and the sun didn't hurt his eyes in the morning.  Put them on outside and they were great!!  It was fun to play in the bright Florida sun. 
We went on a bike ride (well, up and down the driveway on the tricycle), we played on the slide and he just ran like crazy all over the back yard.  They were wonderful!!!
But then it was time to go inside.  Sunglasses like his don't work like mine.  When I go inside my sunglasses magically become clear glasses.  So baby had to investigate why.
He looked really closely at my lenses.  Didn't change them.  He looked very closely at his lenses, no change there either.  his were still dark.  So he got into his tool box.  Out comes the plastic screwdriver.  He comes close to me, I run.  So he tries to hit the lenses of his glasses, no change.  So he gets out the ruler and measures them.  Still nothing.
He's two so my pleas of 'Baby, they stay that way" were left unheard.  So I let him go at it.
The hammer didn't work, neither did the drill, or the extra screws that go with the board to use with his plastic tools.
So he finally decided what the next step would be!  He drug his chair across the living room floor and turned on the light.  He fixed it!  Now he could see inside.
For two sometime I have to admit that hes a smarty!

Knitting? With my schedule?

I knit today, but you woulyd never know it.  Bought some new yarn with my birthday gift certificate and got out needles intent on making a cutie scarf for my niece.  Then it happened... Baby.  He just wanted to see my needles... and I was using Rozetti, Marina Multi, a fun yarn, all acrylic and waiting to made into a scarf for a 16 year old to play with.  Except the baby showed me the needles while I was out on the porch and the yarn was still on the table where I left it.  So it wasn't a project any more cause there was no way I could find the stitches to pick up.   So I will knit tomorrow.
The kitchen reno is almost done, so that is more time in my life to play with.  But school starts Monday so I will have my brains in the books more than not.  And since CACREP decided that I need to take my comps almost 6 months early I will be studying my buns off to get thru that test.  But thats ok.  I can kinda read and knit.  I will just have to make easy projects.
I did buy a shawl pin while at the yarn store.  I have 2 shawls so I've been looking for a pin for quite some time.  I did knit a shawl in trade for a pin, but that hasn't come thru yet, but when it does I will have two pins.  So I"m happy about that.
I have projects that I want to knit, I want to work on the Gale for my stepmother and the Ishbol for me, but I just don't have energy after a long day with 2 kids, the hubby deployed, a super-hyperactive dog and home renovations going on. Plus all the little things that make life stressful that I've been going thru.  The car accident, breaking my husbands car, the house getting struck by lighting, spraining my ankle, having the boys take turns getting sick and trying to get my passports and visas.  I have a bit of stress... so I"m working on it.  I just need to find time to knit and relax.
Maybe tomorrow

when life gives you lemons

you reframe.  So I"m reframing, relooking and trying to find the good in just about everything right now.  I"m trying to remember that I have had good things happen and holding on to those moments really tight. 
Got my practicum all squared away so that is great, I will stay on track for graduation.
The boys still make me smile more than they make me mad, so that's a plus.
I'm almost done with the kitchen tiles so I can re-grout them soon, so that's a plus too!
And I know no matter how bad it gets I will get thru.  Whats a few months?  Its just over a year, and every day that goes by makes it easier to remember that he will be home soon. 
The kiddo is helping me to de-grout the floor.  I bought him a MP3 player so that he can listen to music while he is working.  That is helping me out and he is learning how to fix things.
He also learned how to change a tire today when I ran over a bolt and the tire went.  So that is great too.  It is nice that I have boys. 
And my school books came in so that I can start reading and getting ready for school.  NOw to find time for everything that is on my plate.

And then?

I just have too much to do.  Since the car accident I have been dealing with the kiddo being hurt, the baby having night-terrors and the extra stress on me. 
In the weeks since the accident, Hubby's car had problems (luckily the bings and the flashy lights were just part of the warning system that there was a problem) that were fixed by a friend.  My oven broke, them the stove broke.  The baby fed some crayons to the microwave breaking that (there was nothing to fix food on for the last 4 days) and my stress rose!
AVIS is trying to get me to sign all right off from the accident before the medical bills come in, saying that is the only way that they will pay for the repairs on the car.  Ummm no.  So now I have to get a lawyer, or at least some legal advice.  I need a lawyer friend today.  And my car fixed...
Hubby's VW is a stick... and I managed to sprain my Achliles tendon.  SO now I have to drive in pain.  Wonderful.  When does it end?
But I"m trying to keep positive.  Because I know that if I give in to the anxiety and the depression it will not help and everything will be worse!
So I'm so happy that I have two little boys that love me more than anything!  And a husband that loves me too.  And I have friends that I can call on for help when I need it.  And this stressful time has shown me who my real friends are and who is just around for whatever reason that they are.  Now I know who is worth my energy and who isn't. 
I know that I can't do it all today, but there is tomorrow and tomorrow and then the next day if I need it to get done.  And I know that it doesn't make me a bad person if it takes me a day or two to get it all done.
Family isn't always who you are born with.  When you get older and move away its who you choose.  And you can always count on family not to make you feel bad for crying all over them...
And to quote Annie 'The sun Will come out tomorrow'.

welcome back anxiety

I have night school, so whit the hubby gone, I have to leave the baby at the sitters over night.  Well, Wednesday was the first night that I didn't have my little guy at home.  It was quiet all night, but I couldn't sleep too well.  Thursday morning the babysitter and I agreed that it would be best for him to keep to his schedule as much as he could.  So I didn't go to pick him up til 3pm. 
It was a sad morning, the kiddo loved being the only child, but even he was missing his brother by lunchtime.  So I let him go on my weekly lunch with me.  So my knitting friend and I went with kiddo up to Cracker Barrel for some comfort food, just what I needed.  And we timed our late lunch so that we could leave the restraunt and get the baby.
After I get the baby set in his seat we head to Wal-Mart, my favorite store for quick pick-ups and groceries between trips to the commissary (cause I"m not driving 40 miles round trip for a gallon of milk).  the kids are great in the store, no argueing or fights or anything.  So off we go towards home.
We get back on the highway, going under the overpass and past the light when I notice a car shoot off the exit ramp and a little white car behind him.  I didn't like how close the little white car was to the car in front and then I notice that he was going to hit me!  SO I beep my horn and take my foot off the gas but it was too late. Crash, right into my front passengers side.  I pull over and just freak out!!!
The kiddo tells me that he's ok and the baby is crying.  I look in the rear view mirror but I can't see much.  So I call 911 quick and the ambulance gets there. I also call my babysitter because I just can't do this alone.  So the baby was crying because he wet himself during the crash.  He was so happy that he got to wear underwear out to the store for the first time ever.  He keeps telling me that he peed his underpants and he is bad and sorry. So I'm holding him and telling him that he isn't bad, it was an accident and he will be ok.
The EMS released the boys, saying that if they got bad or anything to call 911 again or take them to the hospital.  So I let my babies go with the babysitter, not knowing how long it would take to get home, if I could drive my car, nothing.
As the officer is collecting my information, two more cars crash right next to me.  The lady driving the first car slammed on her brakes to see the accident and the car behind her crashed right in to her.  It was just horrid!  I felt that my accident caused other accidents, and that just made me cry. 
An hour later I was released to go home, so home I went.  My car was making a weird noise and the window is broken and I just don't know why.  I"m not a car person.  I"m a 'honey, I think there is something wrong with the car, fix it' person.  But I get home.
My best friend calls me soon after I walk into the house.  I go outside to the back porch, one of my relaxing places in the house and look out into the back yard.  There on the baby's slide is a snake.  So I scream, there is a snake and just scream and scream.  Poor friend is on the phone telling me to calm down and don't worry, they are on their way right now to my house and hangs up.
I'm scared, then I get mad.  Really, really mad.  I'm not gonna let ANYTHING ELSE hurt my babies!  NO WAY!!!  So I march out to the shed and get hubby's ax.  WHACK. no more snake problem.  Then I go back up to the deck and just lose it.  The neighbors came  over and tried to calm me down.  Its ok, its over.  But the emotions are still there!  The fear, the thought that my babies could have been killed by a man that wanted to get home just a few minutes earlier, and then the fact that a snake was playing on my baby's favorite toy! 
NO!  That is not how I want this week to be!
I finally calm down, my friends pick up the kids form the sitter, they feed them and help me to file my insurance claim, plus the knowledge that they were 10 minutes away, and they left to take care of their own children.  Which was fine because 10 minutes later more friends came over to sit with me and make sure that we were all ok. 
This morning I decided to take the kids to their doctors and the kiddo is sent to the ER because he has headaches.  He has a concussion.  Wonderful.  So the little man is ok, but my big boy is hurt.  Another reason that I just want to curl up and cry today. 
But hopefully I will have a nice relaxing weekend and it will all be better soon... Because right now I have to keep driving when all I want to do is stay HOME!

the anger starts...... NOW!

I have two children.  One, who you would think at 13, could understand that the military takes away his daddy every year and a half for 6 months.  The other is 2, all he knows is that daddy is gone, and mommy won't take him back to the airport to get him.
The 13 year old does not understand.  Partly because of his Aspergers, partly because he doesn't understand war in general.  So I try to explain it.  They hurt us and we want to make sure that it doesn't happen again.  That really isn't what is going on, but as an adult, that is how I see it too.  I know that there is a larger reason, the human rights, the poppies and oil, and others.  But is all boild down to they hurt us, and we are fighting back.
But no matter what I say there is the anger.
From the children, from me... from every other woman who has stood in my place.
My kiddo is having meltdowns like crazy since his daddy left.  He doesn't understand, and for an aspy, he needs that.  So he gets angry and has no clue what to do with his anger.  I don't know what to do with it either.  I try to keep life as much the same as I can so that I can help him, and I talk, and explain what I know he will understand.  And we don't watch the news.  I can deal with his anger.
But the baby...
He has no ability to understand what is going on.  he is little, wants everything that he wants and wants it now.  And right now he wants daddy.  We took him to the airport, he got on a plane.  Now when ever he hears a plane, its his daddy and he wants him back.  So he cries.  Because crying has worked before maybe it will work again.  And when it doesn't work and he doesn't get daddy, he cries some more. 
It breaks my heart.  I can't do anything but hold him when he will let me, make sure that he doesn't hurt himself when he won't.
And I'm angry too.  I don't want to have my husband gone.  I want him home.  But I have to be strong for my little boys.  Even on the days that I would rather be in bed with the blankets over my head and want to  cry.

And so it begins

Dropped the husband off at the airport yesterday.  It was a sad day.
The weather fit the mood of the day, raining and dreary.  We were sad, loading up my jeep to the brim with 6 months of stuff that you will need when you don't have the comforts of home.   I will still need to go to the post office and send him some stuff that he won't have at his location, like bedding and such.  (which upsets me everytime he goes, they don't have enough sheets and blankets for the troops).
The baby is sad today, and was sad yesterday too.  He wants me to take him back to the airport so he can get his daddy back.  How do you explain to a two year old that daddy won't be home for quite some time?  The kiddo helps out so much and just hugs him and plays a game with him.

And I have one more paper to write before I can call this term at school done.  Will have to really try and concentrate for this.  Its so hard to concentrate on school work when all I can think of is 'did his plane make it?' "did he get there ok?'
I don't watch the news when he is gone so I don't know how the world is, and I won't get too upset.  But this trip I am trying to have a new outlook on life.  I am trying to think positive!  I can do this, I've done it more times than I want to remember.  I will make it thru this deployment, and the remote tour that follows right on the heels.  I can live two years with out my husband home, and I will live well.  Just differently

Things that I understand...

With the Hubby getting ready to deploy I get lots of advice from friends.  Some is just crazy.
I know that I should have expected this, he is in the military. No, I did not ask for this.  Yes I can live without him in phone call range, I am a strong woman.  No, I have no idea where he is going.  I feel that even when he is not in my country, his fight is to make sure that my country stays free.  And a million more answers that I have to give, over and over.
I don't feel that I need to explain my life every time he leaves.  Its hard, for me and the kids.  I do what I can to stay strong.  I also cry a lot when the boys are sleeping.  I miss him every minute of every day and I love him more than I could possibly say, but I also support him.  I am strong because of that.  It sucks, really really bad but I also become stronger every time he leaves.
I am a military wife and I know that he will leave.  That is why I cherish every day that he is home.  I record him playing with the boys so that they will remember all the fun dad is, and that he does care, even if he is a bizillion miles away. 
We still include him in our life, its just different.  I guess that if you don't have a loved one in the military you won't understand.  But just remember, just cause you don't get it doesn't mean it doesn't work for me.

4 day weekend

Which means a BBQ.  I love having all my friends over to sit and talk and knit and just have a fun time.  I don't like the set up or the clean up.  I guess I'm more of a wind down type of girl.
The sister is making the trek down to my house from her place in North Carolina, its only 10 hours, but this is the first visit to my house since we moved in in 2008.  I only see her every two years or so, so I"m mostly excited.  But we do tend to fight a bit when we are together.  She's one of my best friends when she is 500 or so miles away!
Had to take the Jeep in to get fixed today.  I keep telling myself that its cheaper than a car payment.  Its 'only' 550$ to fix the window.  ONLY!!!  I keep looking at new cars and wanting, but I know that the car I want (Subaru Outback) would be a waste of money.  When we move we can only take one car and the rabbit has the best gas mileage (gas is expensive in Europe) and will be paid off in two years.  So I will stick with the jeep that is paid off, in good running order and is fun to drive.  (plus the Subaru payment is 550$ and we really can't swing that every month).

Every year I do pay it forward with crafts.  I have only one shawl left to complete my pay it forward.  I'm stuck.  Can't get the edging on the swallowtail shawl right.  So I'm procrastinating it. 

With this. and about 6 other shawls that I knit in June when I should have been working on the swallowtail.  I'm a bad bad girl... but a very good knitter. 
I sent this one off to a friend of mine in exchange for a hat for the kiddo...  He likes hats and I knit backwards so all tube shapes come out twisted.  I figure that its easier to knit a shawl and mail it rather than try to change how I knit.

A rainy day to go to the beach

Its time again for the annual Com group beach bash.  It seems like every year I dread this more and more.  Its not that I don't like the beach, or the troops...  Its the mandatory fun that I don't like.  The big bosses decided that they have a more cohesive military if they have fun days that include family.  In my reality, its a time for me to try and juggle two kids and be nice to the other wives (most of who I either don't know or don't really get along with) while my husband finds the beer and disappears.  Not fun, not at all.
The baby wants to jump into the ocean while the kiddo wants to sit in a corner and be a teenager.  Its not a fun time for me, and if I don't have the kids, well, then I"m not much of a loving mother am I?  My idea of a fun time can include a beach, and kids and people... but I like having people that I really like, not ones that I only see during functions that have no want to know me (and vice versa) outside of these functions.
But next weekend will be better.  My sister is coming down for a visit and we will do all the touristy things (dolphin cruise, yarn crawl) and then we will have real friends over for a BBQ and it will be a nice time.
I hate having to play pretty for the hubbs.  It is the same thing all the time, playing nice, smiling and not having any real relationships, and knowing that they are being high schoolers behind my back and talking bad about me (her hair is bad, she looks fat in that bathing suit, her kids are weird, have heard them all).  But being the loving wife, I will go and smile and pretend that there is no where else that I would rather be. 
Besides, maybe this year will be different.  Maybe all the other wives have grown up and don't act like 14 year olds any more...  One can hope

Wednesday comes in the middle of the week

Am working on ways to save money to pay down the credit cards and prepare for our trip to Italy.  So far I've talked to my insurance company.  and I found out that they never received my wind mitigation information that I turned in over 2 years ago.  So I have been paying lots and lots of extra on my home owners.  For three years.  Not a happy camper there.  But I just had a new inspection and I will be paying less in just a month.  So thats good. 
I also found out that when Hubby deploys I can get a discount on my property taxes!  Yippi!  Less in taxes (which in Florida is a great thing cause the taxes are HIGH). 
And I found that I can get some construction on my roof with a grant that we qualify for and will increase the wind protection on my house.  That will also save me money (it will cost some, but the savings will pay off in 4 years or one hurricane).  So the saving money is working.
Now on to the knitting.  I have been depressed so I have been knitting lots and lots and lots.  But its all good.  I do the pay it forward and finished one of the shawls for that, and then I bartered a shawl for a hat so I have that done and now I"m actually knitting for me!  That never happens, but I needed to knit for me.  So a Milo it is.  I liked the picture so that is what I knit :)
The kiddo is getting his bike back after having it gone for almost a month for foot surgery, so hes happy too.
Now just to get the hubby and the baby happy, then I will be too

I've decided that I need to have goals for the next two years.  I"m really good about setting long term, or very short term goals... but not medium goals.  What I need to accomplish almost right now, but not before I die.
We are like the Majority of America and in debt.  With a capitol D. To the sum of about $12,000.  Not counting the house.  Or the car.  Or my student loans.  That is just straight credit card debt. 
I remember we we first got our first card.  We were so good about only using it if we really really needed it.  After Katrina visited out house, we needed it.  Had only the 7 days of clothes and meds that I was told to take when I evacuated, and I really didn't expect that the kiddo would never be able to go back to his home, or that we would be moved to DC by the AF.  But I regress, we were so good at just spending on it when we couldn't help it.
Then we moved to DC.  Everything was so expensive! I was only working part time so that I could go to school, and we wanted to explore, so we charged, and charged. 
Then we bought a house in sunny Florida when we got stationed here.  Does anyone really know what a house costs?  When you own, you are responsible for everything!  And you want to change everything so that it is yours, not the old guys...  So we spend and spend.  And we always had excuses for everything!  We NEED that!  We HAVE to go there!
Finally got the one card paid off when the baby hurt himself on the deck and we had to tear it up and make a new deck.  It was needed, just something that I was pushing back, farther and farther... so we wouldn't have to spend money that we didn't have. 
Ergo the new debt.  That must be gone when Hubby gets home in 2 years.  We are moving to Europe next and my goal is to go debt-free.  The car will be paid off, we should be able to get a renter so the house will pay for itself and well, school loans will also need to be taken care of, but I"m focusing on the credit cards.
And not buying anything not needed for reals.  No more collecting yarn either.  I"m on a yarn diet, spending diet and a food diet. 
Let the fun begin!

A new day, a new blog

I mean to blog... that is why I have one.  That I haven't updated for over a year. So I think that I might need a new start at a new location.  Its summer vacation so I will start again and hopefully I will be better :)

The hubby is getting ready to deploy so life in this house has been blah for the last few weeks.  He is going to be gone for at least 6 months.  I say at least because all military wives know that they say 6 but that means plus 2 weeks to get there and 2 weeks to find him a ride home and then a week or so to get him home.  So if this is like his last deployment, it will be 7 or so months before I see him after July.
Then he gets to leave for a year to serve in Korea.  I'm thinking that means I need to take a trip to Korea after I graduate without the children to visit.  I have never been there and that would be wonderful.
But there is a silver lining!  No icky work clothes to wash for almost 2 years!  No sports on the TV!  No tripping over his boots!  And I get the bed all to myself!  I hope that this will be the fastest two years in history.